OH HI I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE WHATUP

oh gosh. i need to get this thing over with...

i want to make a fashion blog but i need a cool camera cause mine is sucky ( excuse to mom so i can get a canon powershot ha ha ha) and not enough confidence. blargh i care people too much and i shouldn't. well i only care about what they think which is so unimportant.


i shall make one next year amen cos i kept delaying this promise dammit.


i am by far the least cool person i know. well, least cool girl i know because i have creepers at school who stalk me and that's uncool.


they're boys btw.


ergh i dream to have closet full of beautiful miu miu prada chanel comme des garcons yohji yamamoto lanvin hmm what else?


i am not trendy enough to be like everyone else and wear alexander wang / marc jacobs just because i know it's supposed to be 'cool' blah hate those kind of people.


oh yeah also dior and ysl is so acceptable. and balenciaga and tom ford which he just like expose the pics they look so cool OOHH LOOK I SAW KAREN ELSON.


i want to buy derek blasberg's Classy book from yesterday ga kesampean. i wanna have foot massage. i wanna have creambath. i wanna stuff myself with nachos fiesta and burrito ( cheese chicken bean filled). padahal lagi final test ho ho ho.


HUMANITIES HIR AI KAM! AWAS YA ENTAR KALO NYEBELIN. GA MAU NYESEL. PENGEN KE MUSEUM ETC.


jadi entar ketemu haii ibu imelda haii ibu titin haii pak wahab! (waving) ergh new math teacher. heard she suck. HUHUHU GONNA MISS BU RURRY BEST MATH TEACHER EVER! :'(




but hi future classmates: nadia-ghea-aubrie-sabila-kezia dll yg gue belom tau tapi entar ketemu.


will miss 10w badly. IHIK IHIK (nangis) 


hahahah sometimes life is funny


because we ignore ones who love us and love who ignore us and stuff. and also that you're so alike with this person you can clash because both of you are just too much of the same thing and when two people who are different instead connect i just find that really interesting.


high school is real life-ish, you know?

i talk about myself (awkwaaard)

on what i look like: short. black hair. flat (errr) chest. quite big size of feet (BIGFOOT!). straight stick figure. asian-ish. makes sense since i'm asian. people say i look chinese but i'm not. i have zits which is gross and downside of everything on my appearance.

on what i wished i look like: taller. normal chest. no zits.

people's perception: quiet if they don't know me, loud when they do know me. i don't speak much but when i get the chance i do. and only when i get the chance (probably...). pretty outspoken sometimes. critical. shy. weak. nice ( i guess not). ignorant. when i'm mean, i went hard.

based on that i think: yes i am shy, critical and all that but i'm not weak. maybe it's just because i look timid and my characteristics shown this possibility. okay so i had trouble at home but don't even bring this business to school. and other places. 

this is starting to bore me.


i wanna go to HUMANITIES so going to psychology or sociology is possible and stuff and oh my god that would be so fun i swear it's like one of the most fun subject ever where we actually have a voice to say. YAY I LIKE HAVING VOICE!

and also, going to somewhere in fashion would be good through that not only art because if i'm in art i get no foundation at least in business part of it, because i want that and feel like need it.

okay stop i'm not even sure what college i'm going to choose / majors / who am i going to be. 

AAHHH SO MUCH PRESSURE. 

bye. 

today's outburst is from me thank you vedi much (ala andy kaufman from 70s tv show Taxi)

Kids, Pots, Powders and Sticks

i'm not proud to say this, but as we're growing right now i am so culturally influenced by the most taboo yet air-polutting human activity on earth- smoking.

okay guys i didn't do it.

yet. 

well me and 2 friends of mine had been chatting up this topic in secret. and thankfully so is this blog- since saving up a word document on my laptop is not a 'safety' because people can read it and buying a diary is 'wasteful' because wherever i hide it i know my sister / family / whoever can find it. 


we've been planning to hit up the more flavorful  arabic ( sadly more cancer possible) smoke hose cousin of the stick , aka mr. S for shisha.


i just thought cigars were ick. cigarettes are just obvious but this we can do it together and private.


well i thought. since this blog is a record of my journey of teenage days i decide to keep it only here.


and to add another thought so this post isn't only speaking of what is probably going to happen:


how do you make a stalker go away? my friends told me the currently i-chose-not-to-say-his-name douchebag (who's annoying to everyone) said he's going to be that way ( being annoying to everyone) until he gets me. EH MA EW.


wait i know a good response i will write ' we FTW, on!' on paper then i will say to the douchebag to read the word backwards. it will read:


                                      no, WTF ew. 




i. am. a . genius.

The Future.

i am so ashamed to say this, but i honestly still have no fucking idea what my future will be like. i mean i know some people had it all planned out- they know what path to take, what college and what they're majoring in, future jobs, etc. I DON'T KNOW, and i'm so pissed and scared at the same time because i'm scared this uncertainty will lead me to nowhere.

i mean i know i'm brilliant ( at the moment) in sociology. but i really wanna work in fashion. how does that even match? and my arts department in school suck = cannot go to design. and i had zero interest in economy pathway = cannot go to merchandising. and i suck at physics = cannot go to technical. AARGGGHHH.

and well, i know sociology is good and all but what job could i get? sociologist, i don't want that. boring.

second, college. i'd die to go to US for some reason. it looks like US is such an opportunist country, and fashion has many branches there. And i mean hellooo FIT? So FUN. 

although singapore is good as a second choice. NAFA looks awesome and it's closer to home and it's asian-y ( duh, we're in the same continent as if my country isn't asian-y).

p.s: in the course of marriage and love i give exception. i let God plan that, but if i may choose i'd like to be married in late twenties hopefully. 

sigh sigh sigh.

i hope God has better things planned for me.

my favorite things

i'm writing this because i'm bored. anyways....


FAVORITE


-food-


vegetable: romaine lettuce, broccoli (when its fried), pickles, garlic, mushrooms, bokchoy


fruit: tomato, apple, strawberries, guava, rambutan, lychee, pomegranate 


drink: water, apple / strawberry/ orange/ guava juice, milkshakes, iced tea, chocolate milk, caramel latte


national dishes: there is really, a lot. i could go on and on! my national dishes are super yummy!


international dishes: - asian: i prefer chinese, japanese, thai, indian, korean and malaysian.


- european: i like swedish, french, italian. i don't know much so i have to find out more!


- others: i also love mexican. i just ate that over the weekend ( nachos fiesta and burrito filled with chicken, cheese and beans) and i want more.


-desserts: my favorites are ICE CREAM! strawberry cheesecake, cookies and fro-yos. well, besides the indonesian ices and yummies anyway.


-music-


i like music that is not too 'edgy', the current mainstream term used by rock-wannabe musicians.


here we go!


female mainstream: katy perry, lady gaga.


male mainstream: Mika, michael buble, michael jackson, maroon 5, bruno mars, owl city


bands: paramore, pantera, ACDC, forever the sickest kids, the maine, we the kings


indie female: florence and the machine, hmmm what else? i can't really dig thru my brains if i had to write it down. oh yeah, Sky Ferreira.


indie male ( bands) : mgmt, vampire weekend, temper trap, the drums, etc


others: she & him! 


- hobbies-


i paint, draw, read, write, watch tv, listen to music, play through internet ( the 'surf' term is cheesy), and i love fashion so much.


i also sing, only in vocal classes and in the showers or when i'm home alone.


a bad dancer, yet i really wanna be a good one. i also like cooking which i did so rarely.


the only sport i'm pretty good at ( i think) would be ice skating and swimming, because really that is the department in which i suck at.

Entering New Territory: High School.

As fellow students and lovers part during Graduation, a new place awaits them with high expectations. A place in which we are finally considered a grown-up, even if our parents didn't think so. The so-called place that some said was their golden age, a hazy memory, or possibly and maybe, their worst nightmare. Enter high school, where you will experience it all.


I am a student, in a school where there is grade one to twelve. You are a new student and you just came here, and you're in a grade with me. You are confused, lost, and maybe a little amused (or not) of what this place has to offer. You miss your old friends, in your old school. You are going into a new territory where everything ( or almost everything) is new and 'fresh' to you. You have to be prepared to face the challenges this thing gives you. And to conquer those other kids who doesn't have big expectations coming from you. You have to fight. You have to show them that you actually can be better than them.


I am an old student and i've been here in this school before entering senior high. Some of my friends has already parted into different ways, moving to new schools where they will feel maybe alienated because they're new students- just like you. They are now in your position. In my position, however- i must be able to face the changes surrounding my place. It's like having a new sibling and now you are the older one. You must deal with the new setting given by your teachers and peers. The new kids come. You come. I have to fight. I have to show you that because i've been here before, i understand and i have to show you i am better, because you are in my territory.


simple 'nuff, we're actually almost in the same position. So new kids, don't worry- we're just lost as you are. 

The Part Where I Rant In The Midnight About Love.

I don't know what love is. I think it's something that attracts you to someone or something. But i don't necessarily know what it looked like. Sure, movies show, and songs even talks about it, and there are proofs of it in life but i never feel it because i never fall in it.


I know what lust is. It's a desire. But if lust is a desire, can love just only be a desire, too? Since love is also both a 'want' and a 'need', is it just a desire? I am confused.


It's a short word. And try using it on a sentence, it's so damn easy. But the meaning is hard and complicated. It took four letters to spell, and possibly hundreds and thousands to describe.


I feel sad for myself, most of the time. ( numpang curhat)


I saw people in love, a lot. I saw my cousin in twitter gushing all about his girlfriend which is really cute to me because he really says nice stuff about her and how he loves her so much. I also have a living proof here at home, which is my parents. I saw my friends, who some of them keeps changing his/her courtships. I see my friends who are single and having crushes on other people. 


It all feels weird. 


Well truth is i already liked a person ( or two. or three.) I just don't know if i'll ever be able to love a person. I know sometimes i'm so heavily influenced on something i see, heard and touch. Like when i watch Kick Ass, i admired Hit Girl so much the next thing i knew after i watch it I wanted to learn how to use a gun. And then i watched the trailer for (500) Days Of Summer. 


Its a story about a boy meets girl. Tom and Summer. Tom was never been a 'happy' person until he met Summer. The funny thing here is that Summer, even though she dates Tom she doesn't believe in true love. 


After i watched the trailer i was like 'Summer, that's stupid. True love did exist.' But now, i'm not so sure anymore.


I know i'm just a dumb teenager who is still on coming-of-age but I know people deal with these stuff, and i do too, so i can't help but think about it. 


And so a thing pops in my mind.


Maybe true love didn't exist. 


But i don't know. Every time i think about my future i see myself with a man (always unknown. Even if i like someone i never thought he'd be the father) and two kids. Whenever i think about it i'd always thought about 'what should i name the kids' instead of my own future husband. I know it's still far ahead of me but it just feels weird that i see myself in the future with a man, but i don't care about it.


As a living teen of angst and still a child-like behavior ( hopefully someone will think i'm mature for my age someday, despite my interests for toys and childlike stuffs) and also a girl who just had either her first crush/second/third. Hah, even i still don't know.


I mean, when i was younger i thought i like this kid lets call him A. A keeps popping in my mind but not all times, just a few. But in my mind, i also thought A as an annoying jerk. Then B comes along. He was a nice, good guy and we were friends because we meet everyday. His sister kept    making fun of us and thought we should be boyfriend-girlfriend, but we laugh it off. I can't help but think if someday it might happen.


Lastly, C. I never thought i liked C. When i first met him he was a total pervert. But two years later I met his eyes and thought 'hey, i could like this guy' and 'nahhhh no way'. Then a school event comes and during it we keep doing this strangely cute eye contacts. Then i start to really like him in an oddly different way than i like A and B. WTH was that. 


And then i sort of given up on him. I guess i was afraid. Before I like C i know that some ( i shall say few) dudes have a crush on me. It happened since kindergarten. And the ones who liked me- i never liked them back. I feel sad for them. And i know this sounds stupid but liking C feels selfish.


I don't always treat the guys who like me back good. In the end i always try to be just friends with them after i treat them badly. But it keeps being stuck on my head. I feel so sad for them not getting me, and i treat them sort of badly (i guess). 


And this thought comes: I don't deserve love.


I was afraid karma might get me back. The guys who like me- i never like them back. The guys i like- maybe they shouldn't like me back. I felt too guilty. If they didn't get love, then i didn't deserve one too. On the other hand i like him too much. It hurts to see him with another person, even though deep down i had big hope that he maybe likes me back.


 As a girl who keeps rejecting, i don't feel so. But as a leo, i was selfish. I am shy and scared shit to make the first move. I desperately want him to do it. But he didn't and that got me thinking that 'oh shit, maybe we're just playing around'. 


In the past i usually used the 'play around' method to know if someone likes me. If the person likes me he'll go with it. If he doesn't, he'll ignore. I was also nice to people, so people perceive me the wrong way.


It's hard being nice. You can't show your 'love' right. I mean some guys think i like them because i'm nice to them. But i don't like them. Being nice sort of becomes a disadvantage. I mean, it's not special. It's easier to tell a mean person in love than a nice one because the person becomes different.


So here's the verdict, i'll make it fast because i'm going to sleep: i don't know what love is. Maybe true love didn't exist. I sort of still don't think i deserve it. Maybe i will deserve it someday. 


Now, i'm going to cry in my brain because when i cry tears i'm afraid i'm going to make things harder for me and everyone. 


goodbye.