I don't know what love is. I think it's something that attracts you to someone or something. But i don't necessarily know what it looked like. Sure, movies show, and songs even talks about it, and there are proofs of it in life but i never feel it because i never fall in it.
I know what lust is. It's a desire. But if lust is a desire, can love just only be a desire, too? Since love is also both a 'want' and a 'need', is it just a desire? I am confused.
It's a short word. And try using it on a sentence, it's so damn easy. But the meaning is hard and complicated. It took four letters to spell, and possibly hundreds and thousands to describe.
I feel sad for myself, most of the time. ( numpang curhat)
I saw people in love, a lot. I saw my cousin in twitter gushing all about his girlfriend which is really cute to me because he really says nice stuff about her and how he loves her so much. I also have a living proof here at home, which is my parents. I saw my friends, who some of them keeps changing his/her courtships. I see my friends who are single and having crushes on other people.
It all feels weird.
Well truth is i already liked a person ( or two. or three.) I just don't know if i'll ever be able to love a person. I know sometimes i'm so heavily influenced on something i see, heard and touch. Like when i watch Kick Ass, i admired Hit Girl so much the next thing i knew after i watch it I wanted to learn how to use a gun. And then i watched the trailer for (500) Days Of Summer.
Its a story about a boy meets girl. Tom and Summer. Tom was never been a 'happy' person until he met Summer. The funny thing here is that Summer, even though she dates Tom she doesn't believe in true love.
After i watched the trailer i was like 'Summer, that's stupid. True love did exist.' But now, i'm not so sure anymore.
I know i'm just a dumb teenager who is still on coming-of-age but I know people deal with these stuff, and i do too, so i can't help but think about it.
And so a thing pops in my mind.
Maybe true love didn't exist.
But i don't know. Every time i think about my future i see myself with a man (always unknown. Even if i like someone i never thought he'd be the father) and two kids. Whenever i think about it i'd always thought about 'what should i name the kids' instead of my own future husband. I know it's still far ahead of me but it just feels weird that i see myself in the future with a man, but i don't care about it.
As a living teen of angst and still a child-like behavior ( hopefully someone will think i'm mature for my age someday, despite my interests for toys and childlike stuffs) and also a girl who just had either her first crush/second/third. Hah, even i still don't know.
I mean, when i was younger i thought i like this kid lets call him A. A keeps popping in my mind but not all times, just a few. But in my mind, i also thought A as an annoying jerk. Then B comes along. He was a nice, good guy and we were friends because we meet everyday. His sister kept making fun of us and thought we should be boyfriend-girlfriend, but we laugh it off. I can't help but think if someday it might happen.
Lastly, C. I never thought i liked C. When i first met him he was a total pervert. But two years later I met his eyes and thought 'hey, i could like this guy' and 'nahhhh no way'. Then a school event comes and during it we keep doing this strangely cute eye contacts. Then i start to really like him in an oddly different way than i like A and B. WTH was that.
And then i sort of given up on him. I guess i was afraid. Before I like C i know that some ( i shall say few) dudes have a crush on me. It happened since kindergarten. And the ones who liked me- i never liked them back. I feel sad for them. And i know this sounds stupid but liking C feels selfish.
I don't always treat the guys who like me back good. In the end i always try to be just friends with them after i treat them badly. But it keeps being stuck on my head. I feel so sad for them not getting me, and i treat them sort of badly (i guess).
And this thought comes: I don't deserve love.
I was afraid karma might get me back. The guys who like me- i never like them back. The guys i like- maybe they shouldn't like me back. I felt too guilty. If they didn't get love, then i didn't deserve one too. On the other hand i like him too much. It hurts to see him with another person, even though deep down i had big hope that he maybe likes me back.
As a girl who keeps rejecting, i don't feel so. But as a leo, i was selfish. I am shy and scared shit to make the first move. I desperately want him to do it. But he didn't and that got me thinking that 'oh shit, maybe we're just playing around'.
In the past i usually used the 'play around' method to know if someone likes me. If the person likes me he'll go with it. If he doesn't, he'll ignore. I was also nice to people, so people perceive me the wrong way.
It's hard being nice. You can't show your 'love' right. I mean some guys think i like them because i'm nice to them. But i don't like them. Being nice sort of becomes a disadvantage. I mean, it's not special. It's easier to tell a mean person in love than a nice one because the person becomes different.
So here's the verdict, i'll make it fast because i'm going to sleep: i don't know what love is. Maybe true love didn't exist. I sort of still don't think i deserve it. Maybe i will deserve it someday.
Now, i'm going to cry in my brain because when i cry tears i'm afraid i'm going to make things harder for me and everyone.
goodbye.
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