I don't know what love is. I think it's something that attracts you to someone or something. But i don't necessarily know what it looked like. Sure, movies show, and songs even talks about it, and there are proofs of it in life but i never feel it because i never fall in it.
I know what lust is. It's a desire. But if lust is a desire, can love just only be a desire, too? Since love is also both a 'want' and a 'need', is it just a desire? I am confused.
It's a short word. And try using it on a sentence, it's so damn easy. But the meaning is hard and complicated. It took four letters to spell, and possibly hundreds and thousands to describe.
I feel sad for myself, most of the time. ( numpang curhat)
I saw people in love, a lot. I saw my cousin in twitter gushing all about his girlfriend which is really cute to me because he really says nice stuff about her and how he loves her so much. I also have a living proof here at home, which is my parents. I saw my friends, who some of them keeps changing his/her courtships. I see my friends who are single and having crushes on other people.
It all feels weird.
Well truth is i already liked a person ( or two. or three.) I just don't know if i'll ever be able to love a person. I know sometimes i'm so heavily influenced on something i see, heard and touch. Like when i watch Kick Ass, i admired Hit Girl so much the next thing i knew after i watch it I wanted to learn how to use a gun. And then i watched the trailer for (500) Days Of Summer.
Its a story about a boy meets girl. Tom and Summer. Tom was never been a 'happy' person until he met Summer. The funny thing here is that Summer, even though she dates Tom she doesn't believe in true love.
After i watched the trailer i was like 'Summer, that's stupid. True love did exist.' But now, i'm not so sure anymore.
I know i'm just a dumb teenager who is still on coming-of-age but I know people deal with these stuff, and i do too, so i can't help but think about it.
And so a thing pops in my mind.
Maybe true love didn't exist.
But i don't know. Every time i think about my future i see myself with a man (always unknown. Even if i like someone i never thought he'd be the father) and two kids. Whenever i think about it i'd always thought about 'what should i name the kids' instead of my own future husband. I know it's still far ahead of me but it just feels weird that i see myself in the future with a man, but i don't care about it.
As a living teen of angst and still a child-like behavior ( hopefully someone will think i'm mature for my age someday, despite my interests for toys and childlike stuffs) and also a girl who just had either her first crush/second/third. Hah, even i still don't know.
I mean, when i was younger i thought i like this kid lets call him A. A keeps popping in my mind but not all times, just a few. But in my mind, i also thought A as an annoying jerk. Then B comes along. He was a nice, good guy and we were friends because we meet everyday. His sister kept making fun of us and thought we should be boyfriend-girlfriend, but we laugh it off. I can't help but think if someday it might happen.
Lastly, C. I never thought i liked C. When i first met him he was a total pervert. But two years later I met his eyes and thought 'hey, i could like this guy' and 'nahhhh no way'. Then a school event comes and during it we keep doing this strangely cute eye contacts. Then i start to really like him in an oddly different way than i like A and B. WTH was that.
And then i sort of given up on him. I guess i was afraid. Before I like C i know that some ( i shall say few) dudes have a crush on me. It happened since kindergarten. And the ones who liked me- i never liked them back. I feel sad for them. And i know this sounds stupid but liking C feels selfish.
I don't always treat the guys who like me back good. In the end i always try to be just friends with them after i treat them badly. But it keeps being stuck on my head. I feel so sad for them not getting me, and i treat them sort of badly (i guess).
And this thought comes: I don't deserve love.
I was afraid karma might get me back. The guys who like me- i never like them back. The guys i like- maybe they shouldn't like me back. I felt too guilty. If they didn't get love, then i didn't deserve one too. On the other hand i like him too much. It hurts to see him with another person, even though deep down i had big hope that he maybe likes me back.
As a girl who keeps rejecting, i don't feel so. But as a leo, i was selfish. I am shy and scared shit to make the first move. I desperately want him to do it. But he didn't and that got me thinking that 'oh shit, maybe we're just playing around'.
In the past i usually used the 'play around' method to know if someone likes me. If the person likes me he'll go with it. If he doesn't, he'll ignore. I was also nice to people, so people perceive me the wrong way.
It's hard being nice. You can't show your 'love' right. I mean some guys think i like them because i'm nice to them. But i don't like them. Being nice sort of becomes a disadvantage. I mean, it's not special. It's easier to tell a mean person in love than a nice one because the person becomes different.
So here's the verdict, i'll make it fast because i'm going to sleep: i don't know what love is. Maybe true love didn't exist. I sort of still don't think i deserve it. Maybe i will deserve it someday.
Now, i'm going to cry in my brain because when i cry tears i'm afraid i'm going to make things harder for me and everyone.
goodbye.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Height Of Teenage Awkwardness ( AKA Prom )
we teenagers dealt with the situation of coming-of-age. it's exaggeratedly hard. but nonetheless, its the times where things happen for the first time, and also the last time.
like: puberty. first love. et cetera! ( cannot explain others)
and then comes the height of the teenage situation. PROM.
the height of teenage awkwardness ever. probably one of the first times where we actually get dressed up to attract the other sex. or maybe for the gays, their own sex. and the fact it's the first time makes us more nervous.
and when the time comes, we were shocked to see that 'Wow, he cleaned up good!' or 'Whoa, she looks hot!' or something like that. Prep time is necessary.
awkwardness goes more for the singles.
for the ones who already have a boyfriend/girlfriend probably have to deal to show their love publicly like dancing together ( if they are shy). the singles have to deal more with it.
lets go into the probable minds of boys and girls my age, single on prom.
boys: - what am i going to wear? oh i can wear a tux, go rent it or borrow my dad's or something.
- ask girls out. as a boy, they must get confidence enough to step up and ask. which i think is kinda scary.
-dance successfully. not all boys are good dancers. maybe some of them are bad as Finn on Glee. Maybe some of them sway like Fred Astaire.
- manners. they got to impress us girls. so we don't think they're gross.
girls: -what am i going to wear? OMG WHAT DRESS SHOULD I WEAR? WHAT COLOR, WHAT STYLE? IS IT GOING TO MIX AND MATCH WITH MY SHOES AND MY PURSE? AND WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR??
- nervous because we don't know who's gonna ask us out. we're hoping that the people who ask us are nice and handsome and a good candidate that can probably lead to a boyfriend.
-dance successfully. even though most girls seem to get the beat, not all can.
- manners. as a girl it's very important. and we can impress people with it too ( see boys above)
I'm so sorry this post isn't so wise-sounding and mature like the ones before. it's just that I'm nervous i will have my first prom. i hope it'll be a blast!
like: puberty. first love. et cetera! ( cannot explain others)
and then comes the height of the teenage situation. PROM.
the height of teenage awkwardness ever. probably one of the first times where we actually get dressed up to attract the other sex. or maybe for the gays, their own sex. and the fact it's the first time makes us more nervous.
and when the time comes, we were shocked to see that 'Wow, he cleaned up good!' or 'Whoa, she looks hot!' or something like that. Prep time is necessary.
awkwardness goes more for the singles.
for the ones who already have a boyfriend/girlfriend probably have to deal to show their love publicly like dancing together ( if they are shy). the singles have to deal more with it.
lets go into the probable minds of boys and girls my age, single on prom.
boys: - what am i going to wear? oh i can wear a tux, go rent it or borrow my dad's or something.
- ask girls out. as a boy, they must get confidence enough to step up and ask. which i think is kinda scary.
-dance successfully. not all boys are good dancers. maybe some of them are bad as Finn on Glee. Maybe some of them sway like Fred Astaire.
- manners. they got to impress us girls. so we don't think they're gross.
girls: -what am i going to wear? OMG WHAT DRESS SHOULD I WEAR? WHAT COLOR, WHAT STYLE? IS IT GOING TO MIX AND MATCH WITH MY SHOES AND MY PURSE? AND WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR??
- nervous because we don't know who's gonna ask us out. we're hoping that the people who ask us are nice and handsome and a good candidate that can probably lead to a boyfriend.
-dance successfully. even though most girls seem to get the beat, not all can.
- manners. as a girl it's very important. and we can impress people with it too ( see boys above)
I'm so sorry this post isn't so wise-sounding and mature like the ones before. it's just that I'm nervous i will have my first prom. i hope it'll be a blast!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Being Hip
hip changes definitions culturally every time. in the eighties hip people would probably has big hair and worship madonna or lauper, watches dallas or dynasty, or something.
now hip has a new equation!
hip equals wayfarer glasses ( with frames in many color choices! ) or aviator glasses + pop-punk bands or pop-synth bands + triangles in space! and also, hoodies. and sneakers. whatever.
i think hip was whatever was in. it's a trend.
i was never a 'hip' kid. i admit it. i don't listen to those bands. i listen to classics, retro, jazz and mostly alternative. but i understand why a lot of you love rock. it's angsty. it's angry. rebellion stuff. it's somehow enjoyable.
i also don't really go for trends. i just buy those stuff that looks good, fits me and (sometimes) comfortable. trends are useless. they make you common. being common is not cool. but because other people do it, you want to do it too. in other words, you don't want to be left out.
i admit once again, because i'm not 'hip' i sometimes feel left out. it's a bad feeling. i guess it's ok to go to these events, but not too much. i now decide to abide and follow Andre Leon Talley's words:
"i fit in to the world with my own aesthetics."
in other words, i do it my way.
my mom is right, though. we do have to fit in with the world. we live here, and it's not what we choose, but it's what we're given. but that doesn't mean we have to do it like the others do.
do it your way. do what is the best for you.
everyone's best is different. one may want a dairy company and one may want to be dentist.
because otherwise, hip or not, if it's not what you want or need; you'll regret it.*
* but sometimes in special circumstances, we do not know what'll happen. so leave some options open :)
now hip has a new equation!
hip equals wayfarer glasses ( with frames in many color choices! ) or aviator glasses + pop-punk bands or pop-synth bands + triangles in space! and also, hoodies. and sneakers. whatever.
i think hip was whatever was in. it's a trend.
i was never a 'hip' kid. i admit it. i don't listen to those bands. i listen to classics, retro, jazz and mostly alternative. but i understand why a lot of you love rock. it's angsty. it's angry. rebellion stuff. it's somehow enjoyable.
i also don't really go for trends. i just buy those stuff that looks good, fits me and (sometimes) comfortable. trends are useless. they make you common. being common is not cool. but because other people do it, you want to do it too. in other words, you don't want to be left out.
i admit once again, because i'm not 'hip' i sometimes feel left out. it's a bad feeling. i guess it's ok to go to these events, but not too much. i now decide to abide and follow Andre Leon Talley's words:
"i fit in to the world with my own aesthetics."
in other words, i do it my way.
my mom is right, though. we do have to fit in with the world. we live here, and it's not what we choose, but it's what we're given. but that doesn't mean we have to do it like the others do.
do it your way. do what is the best for you.
everyone's best is different. one may want a dairy company and one may want to be dentist.
because otherwise, hip or not, if it's not what you want or need; you'll regret it.*
* but sometimes in special circumstances, we do not know what'll happen. so leave some options open :)
Hello and Goodbye
after attending the graduation today i have some thoughts. wait a sec. turning the music down would clear my head. ok, done.
(btw i always concentrate in quiet places)
does goodbye can really clear a problem? let's see a case. two of my friends just made up in graduation today after a massive fight in cafeteria two months ago. i finally forgave the person who i don't like ( but he liked me. i don't like him back). and i had the nerve to talk like only a word to the person i like ( and i'm sure he didn't like me back).
are goodbyes a necessary solutions to a problem, i ask? seems so. to us, goodbye is a form of last chance for us to do something good or bad. it's like now or never. the fact that we fear of regretting something makes up the bravery to do that thing by the last chance. seemed a bit desperate, but it makes a good ending. and goodbyes are endings.
in another hand, hello usually means beginning. hello is a fresh start, like the word itself. if goodbyes are considered last chances, hello is a second or first. it means that we are given another chance before the last chance comes. it's like a trial. for example the first days in school.
new grade, and we try to adapt again. new friends, and we start all over again. new classmates, and we try to get along. hello is all about trials.
now that we're done discussing hello and goodbyes, i WILL tell you about my graduation today!
morning- getting my hair done with dhifa at a salon. i got hairsprayed. i hate hairspray ( the one in can, not the musical). i know the point is supposed to make my hair stay in place but i hate that it's making my hair texture rougher. then i get my nails done. it's magenta and i hate it. should've done lilac or maybe Chanel's baby blue.
afternoon- graduation! i am now in my traditional clothes and in my toga cap and gown. i walk in line to my seat, waiting boringly through the speeches, and get to the stage. i get my braid in the cap placed from left to right, get a medal, and my certificates. because my class is first, i then walk back to my seat and wait for the others to get done. then we had our pictures taken.
after that, we released the doves from a cage ( pointless, but anyways) and threw our caps in a HSM-fashion. which is cliche but so fun. but it sort of hurts if the caps fall down and poke you in the head or eye or somewhere.
then we traded our toga cap and gown ( school own it ) for our reports and the YEARBOOK. i'm in the yearbook team so i'm so proud of it because it looks AWESOME like i would really give 5 stars. after that we eat food while watching my friend nadia's band La Fourchette perform. she's a brilliant drummer!
then all classes had a performance. 9Y sings lean on me, 9S sings breaking free and another song i don't know, 9T sings that's what friends are for ( oh teary eyed me!) my class 9N sings leaving on a jet plane ( impromptu acapella. the tech people can't connect my friend's iPhone to the laptop) and 9P sings somebody to love.
everything was great. finally we all were signing each other's yearbooks. all and all it was a fun saturday and its definitely very memorable. we all came together.
thank you Avenue aka 7th Generation ( 2007-2010 ) you all make middle school enjoyable.
(btw i always concentrate in quiet places)
does goodbye can really clear a problem? let's see a case. two of my friends just made up in graduation today after a massive fight in cafeteria two months ago. i finally forgave the person who i don't like ( but he liked me. i don't like him back). and i had the nerve to talk like only a word to the person i like ( and i'm sure he didn't like me back).
are goodbyes a necessary solutions to a problem, i ask? seems so. to us, goodbye is a form of last chance for us to do something good or bad. it's like now or never. the fact that we fear of regretting something makes up the bravery to do that thing by the last chance. seemed a bit desperate, but it makes a good ending. and goodbyes are endings.
in another hand, hello usually means beginning. hello is a fresh start, like the word itself. if goodbyes are considered last chances, hello is a second or first. it means that we are given another chance before the last chance comes. it's like a trial. for example the first days in school.
new grade, and we try to adapt again. new friends, and we start all over again. new classmates, and we try to get along. hello is all about trials.
now that we're done discussing hello and goodbyes, i WILL tell you about my graduation today!
morning- getting my hair done with dhifa at a salon. i got hairsprayed. i hate hairspray ( the one in can, not the musical). i know the point is supposed to make my hair stay in place but i hate that it's making my hair texture rougher. then i get my nails done. it's magenta and i hate it. should've done lilac or maybe Chanel's baby blue.
afternoon- graduation! i am now in my traditional clothes and in my toga cap and gown. i walk in line to my seat, waiting boringly through the speeches, and get to the stage. i get my braid in the cap placed from left to right, get a medal, and my certificates. because my class is first, i then walk back to my seat and wait for the others to get done. then we had our pictures taken.
after that, we released the doves from a cage ( pointless, but anyways) and threw our caps in a HSM-fashion. which is cliche but so fun. but it sort of hurts if the caps fall down and poke you in the head or eye or somewhere.
then we traded our toga cap and gown ( school own it ) for our reports and the YEARBOOK. i'm in the yearbook team so i'm so proud of it because it looks AWESOME like i would really give 5 stars. after that we eat food while watching my friend nadia's band La Fourchette perform. she's a brilliant drummer!
then all classes had a performance. 9Y sings lean on me, 9S sings breaking free and another song i don't know, 9T sings that's what friends are for ( oh teary eyed me!) my class 9N sings leaving on a jet plane ( impromptu acapella. the tech people can't connect my friend's iPhone to the laptop) and 9P sings somebody to love.
everything was great. finally we all were signing each other's yearbooks. all and all it was a fun saturday and its definitely very memorable. we all came together.
thank you Avenue aka 7th Generation ( 2007-2010 ) you all make middle school enjoyable.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The term for luxury
Now luxury seem to go upward and downward at the same time. We're not so sure what luxury is supposed to be now. Some say luxury could be a million dollar sundae served in a baccarat crystal bowl with a golden spoon. Others say, it came in form of frozen high fructose corn syrup served in a printed paper cup with a plastic straw.
Not all luxury are expensive or extravagant anymore. We call it the new modesty.
Since a monetary crisis hits my country 13 years ago the money begin spiraling out of control and since then we got introduced to the money sucking corruptors, racist 'religion-based terrorists and other forms of criminalities. Stress, doesn't bother people anymore: it kills them. Drugs are no longer an escape to fantasy world. And jumping off places not only became extreme sports, they became an escape to death.
The world is changed now. Playtime is over. Welcome to the new world order.
Not all luxury are expensive or extravagant anymore. We call it the new modesty.
Since a monetary crisis hits my country 13 years ago the money begin spiraling out of control and since then we got introduced to the money sucking corruptors, racist 'religion-based terrorists and other forms of criminalities. Stress, doesn't bother people anymore: it kills them. Drugs are no longer an escape to fantasy world. And jumping off places not only became extreme sports, they became an escape to death.
The world is changed now. Playtime is over. Welcome to the new world order.
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